Modern Day Parenting

Life was a lot easier when I was in my early teens. I remember coming home from school after having a bad day and retreating to my room. My room was my safe haven. I’d crank up some music and I would self-isolate. I was always a bit of an introvert so coming home and hiding in my room for a few hours or even for a whole weekend was not something to cause alarm. I enjoyed being home and locking out the rest of the world at times. It was easier back then. All I had to do was not answer the phone. It was easier because I didn’t have a computer. I didn’t have a cellphone. The world wide web didn’t exist yet.  It’s not so easy now. For kids today it’s nearly impossible to disconnect in a world where keeping people connected is the primary motivation for most apps on our phones and computers. For many kids, there is no safe haven. Between social media posts and comments, website forums and discussion groups, texting, mobile chat applications, and online gaming communities, shutting down for even a few minutes can be a huge challenge.

A teen coming home from a bad day at school looks a lot different today. The constant notifications are hard to ignore. Our kids are conditioned to be online. They use their phones and their computers to complete their schoolwork. They are educated through these devices so there is a huge reliance on them. The same device they use to look up historical facts for their latest school assignment is the same device in which they are exposed to cyber-bullying and potential exploitation of countless types. I’m a former law enforcement officer and I’ve been involved in investigating online crimes against children for over 17 years. The point is not to try and scare anyone. The point is that if it is tougher to be a kid nowadays, then it is also tougher to be a parent.

All my parents had to do at night was peek into my room and physically see me to know I was safe. That same principle is not true today. The vast majority of online exploitation occurs when children are at home. It occurs when they are under the supervision of their parents. It occurs at the dinner table, on that drive to the shopping mall, and it occurs when they are sitting quietly in their rooms at night. If your children are online, they are at risk. As parents we must keep up with technology. We must be familiar with social media and mobile chat applications. We must understand the technology behind the devices we are purchasing for our kids. Many devices have built in parental controls that most consumers don’t even know exist. But it is our job, as parents, to know and understand these things. Yes, it’s difficult. Yes, it’s complicated. Yes, it’s worth it.

Communication is key. Educating kids on what online exploitation looks like is paramount. They need to know the dangers. We need to teach our kids that it’s okay to block someone online. It’s not rude. Blocking someone online is no different than running away from a creepy stranger at the city park. We all hope and expect that our kids would recognize that face to face danger and run away when they feel uncomfortable or unsafe. We also need to train them to recognize that same concept online and block that person and report their behavior immediately because it doesn’t take long to become extremely dangerous. Using existing technology, a child can be manipulated by an adult offender into communicating with someone they believe to be their own age in minutes. Offenders are skilled in grooming tactics. They know what to say to our children and they know exactly how and when to say it. Offenders understand social media and mobile chat applications. Offenders understand technology and they use the same apps and are present in the same online communities and discussion groups that are children use. Offenders choose victims carefully and they often initially appear as a helpful observer, offering advice or a sympathetic ear. An offender knows when a kid has had a rough day and is vulnerable just by monitoring how they behave online. As parents, we must take an active role with our kids when it comes to their online activity. We must monitor and sometimes even control their online behavior. Because if we don’t do it, someone else will.

Common signs of “Grooming”:

The term ‘grooming’ refers to the purposeful manipulation and control of a child in order to perpetrate child sexual abuse. Grooming can occur quickly, especially if child victims are experiencing moments of low self-esteem or dealing with difficult situations such as divorce or the loss of a family member. Whatever the situation, offenders are becoming more and more experienced at grooming. Many U.S. states have established laws making grooming illegal. As a parent or guardian, these are the top signs to recognize grooming.

1.      Extreme anxiety when restricted access to their phone or computer.

2.      Becoming very secretive about their phone/computer use.

3.      Sudden bouts of exhaustion/lack of sleep.

4.      Having new and expensive gifts without explanation.

5.      Spending time “alone” at common areas like parks or malls for extended periods of time.

6.      Being dropped off or collected by unknown persons or vehicles.

7.      Unusual closeness to a new or unknown person, especially an online and/or older friend.

8.      Periods of unexplained absence or being dishonest about where they have been.

9.      Sudden changes in online behavior, such as spending more time or less time online.

10.  Sudden changes in physical behavior, such as becoming withdrawn or upset.

Understanding what grooming is and knowing how to recognize it is the key to keeping children safe online. I.P.A. online investigators have years of experience fighting online sexual exploitation both in the U.S. and abroad. To learn more about grooming or to schedule a training in your area, please visit send us an email!